Sex,
sexual violence, and the sex industry: Some thoughts for boys and men
Robert Jensen
School of Journalism
University of Texas
Austin, TX 78712
work: (512) 471-1990
fax: (512) 471-7979
rjensen@uts.cc.utexas.edu
copyright Robert
Jensen
2005
by Robert Jensen
Like most boys and men in the United States, I have used
pornography. I remember what it feels like to look, to masturbate to
pornography. I know that it is an intense sexual experience that can
bring physical pleasure.
I also remember that after the rush was over, I was left with an
empty feeling. How could something that felt so good physically end up
leaving me feeling so bad emotionally?
For a long time, I thought the unpleasant feelings came because I
felt guilty or ashamed, or because I was afraid of being caught. I did
struggle with those feelings, but it took me a long time to figure out
that the emptiness was really coming from somewhere else.
People have sex for many different reasons -- for the physical
sensation, out of love, to cope with loneliness, to feel like a "real
man" or a "real woman," pressure from friends, or to try to get
pregnant. I have had sex for those reasons, but the older I get the
more I have come to understand what sex means for me.
For me, sex is mostly about the desire to feel a strong connection
to another person. It is not the only way I feel connected to people
(often that sense of connection comes simply through talking), but sex
is a powerful way to bring me close to someone I care about. What
really matters to me in sex is that connection; without it, the
physical pleasures seem hollow.
So, I have come to realize that certain kinds of sexual
experiences will never make me feel very good. If I were to use
pornography, there is no way I could have a connection to a picture on
a page or an image on a screen. If I were to buy sex from a prostitute,
I would be foolish to think I am going to have a real connection with
someone who is having sex with me to survive economically. And if I
were to try to force someone to have sex who didn't want to, the only
emotions that I can expect to feel are fear and pain.
I have been lucky in my life. Although I have made many mistakes
and hurt people (and hurt myself) in sexual relationships by being
selfish or unaware, I have also been able to feel that connection, that
sense of really knowing and trusting another person. As I look back and
sort through my life, I realize that the sexual experiences that meant
something to me were the ones in which I really wanted to experience
that sense of being with another person -- of truly being close in a
way that is difficult to describe but wonderful to feel.
Not everyone is so lucky, especially the women who are used and
hurt in the sex industry and through sexual violence. When we think
about what we want sexually, it's important for us to be honest, to go
beyond the macho talk and discuss our emotional needs. But even more
important, we have to remember that our sexual behavior has
consequences for other people. We live in a culture that trains men to
be dominant and women to be submissive. Sometimes we fall into those
patterns without realizing it. Sometimes, when we do fall into such
behaviors, we lose sight of how our actions can hurt others.
The first step to changing our own behavior is listening to women
and girls talk about their experiences so that we can begin to
understand how they are so often hurt by men. Then we have to hold each
other accountable, to make sure that we don't look the other way when
we see men and boys -- including our friends -- hurting others through
sex and violence.
We live in a society that tolerates, and in some ways encourages,
a lot of cruelty. Pornographers make money selling images of men
humiliating women sexually. Boys will casually refer to a girl as a 'ho
or a slut without thinking of the pain it causes. And men talk about
how women they abuse "deserved it" or "asked for it." It can be painful
to face these facts, especially in the arena of our intimate and sexual
lives. But I have found that turning away from those painful realities
is not a solution. This world will allow us to be selfish and cruel.
But if we want something beyond that, we can't turn away from the pain
that women and girls live with.
Nor can we turn away from the feeling in our own gut that being
tough, being aggressive, being dominant -- that being a "man" in the
way we so often get taught to be a man -- is not only keeping us from
being able to touch with love, but to feel love.